As I approached the little cafe near the Old Mint around 7 on Wednesday morning, I was chuckling at a pigeon that just kept turning into my path. I looked up to see a big, bright, toothless smile laughing with me. I smiled at him. I was almost past the very thin man when he said, "Sir, can I bother you for..." and his voice trailed off.

"Would you like some breakfast?" I offered, being in a great mood this morning. He looked at me quizzically. "Or would you rather have a dollar?" I countered, holding out a bill.

He smiled and said, "Thank you, sir." He took the dollar with weathered fingers, the tips of which were black. He was very frail, had no teeth, but there was a joy in his eyes that touched me. He wasn't doing well, but he wasn't complaining.

So I walked into the cafe, ordered my breakfast, paid, and left, walking back to the smiling man, and gave him some of my food. He just looked at me, as though he never expected to see me again. He smiled and said thank you again.

I turned to walk away, smiling. Then I heard, "Sir?" I turned back to the man, thinking he needed something else. He leaned back and said, "You're an honorable man."

I swallowed hard, and smiled. "Thank you," I replied. Funny how those four words touched me.

Later, a friend of mine gave me her slant on an AA mantra, "We always want to leave just before the miracle."

I'm glad I didn't.

I'm at a point where this holding pattern just isn't working for me. I need to do something more. I'm not exactly sure what that entails, I just know it's more.

I've been here before. Many times. And I've started down a path, only to go back to the comfort of a holding pattern. Which never really provides much in the way of comfort. It's just lazy. It's easy. And it's damned uncomfortable right now.

Right now the work I do for money isn't fulfilling me. But it is succeeding in exhausting me and eating up my hours. Yes, it pays the bills, but only just. And not in a way to gives me the luxury to escape. To explore. To feel comfortable.

So I'm at a crossroads. And I'm not sure how much of a leap of faith I'm capable of at this time. It will all change in a few months, when both kids head off to college. But even then, I want to be able to support them. How much of a risk can I take? Can I step off into nothingness and truly trust?

I guess this is where I find out the true strength of my internal fortitude and my faith.